If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
You Might Also Like
man: wait
time: no
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
2022 be like
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.