Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
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Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Mission: Impossible
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
A great tip. #CakeRex
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.