is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
You Might Also Like
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
FRED: right
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.