Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
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People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Expect the unexporcupine.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.