I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
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I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*