wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
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I cannot call her anything else now
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.