i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
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When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
I thought this was funny lol
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
smh