*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
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i want to work in this restaurant
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
when dads have a rap battle
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.