#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
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Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles