Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
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I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Effort made
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire