You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
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[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan