[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
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When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
I occasionally drink every single night.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”