Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
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I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
This is painfully accurate 😅
Breaking news:
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.