When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
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Always.
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Just a bush.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.