Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
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DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.