I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
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The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”