me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
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I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Good morning
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.