I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
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Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
How times have changed.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Feels
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.