Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
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Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.