Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
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Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
normalize having existential bread
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
The French cow says MEUX…
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!