The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
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[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.