Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
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I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase