Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
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COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me