Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
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eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.