Bout to have the best sleep of my life
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[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?