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*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol