[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
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This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.