Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
You Might Also Like
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
dutch is not a serious language
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Every haunted house movie:
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.