There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
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Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.