Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
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2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)