If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
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Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
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Me: Same
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Teamwork makes the dream work.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.