I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
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I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”