Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
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pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”