My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
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no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
BETRAYAL
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly