Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
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Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that