Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
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If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
These aliens are taking forever.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”