cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
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Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
That time Alicia messaged me
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
For the orator and chef in all of us
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible