Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
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Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
I have no passwords left in me
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Breakfast for Stoners:
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second