[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
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There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Saturday
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge