Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
You Might Also Like
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Baller is short for ballerina
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him