The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
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STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
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You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.