Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
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You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
BRAKING NEWS!!
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Watermelon Boss!
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.