I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
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“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
What number SPF blocks people?
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”