4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
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Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!