My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
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Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
*performs CPR on the turkey*
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry