My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
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I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL