How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
You Might Also Like
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
umm…
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.