You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
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Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.