Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
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Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Breaking news:
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people