judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
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– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.